My Parents
My Mother, My Father, and the Choice to Walk Away
I was raised by a mother who was left broken by a Black man who took from her. My father divorced her and remarried another woman. I know this because, as a young person, I went to the monastery and spoke to Father Daranger, who confirmed what I’d already felt in my bones. After Aaron died, I chose to never go back to Oregon. Some places only hold grief.
My father was not the best man when he was younger. He stole liquor at the Safeway in Eugene. He cheated on my mother with Linda and took everything from her. My mother went to the courthouse with a gun, and the courts ruled against her. My mother was born in California and my father was born in Philadelphia. He could stay because he was a public servant in Eugene.
My father was not a very nice man. He was a liar, a Black sailor that came from Philadelphia. He didn’t want to stay in the projects, but chose Oregon because he wanted to say he made it out. He wanted to be something else, somewhere else — even if it cost him his family.
I have no respect for my father, and I am thankful he’s gone. The truth is, he taught me who I didn’t want to be. He taught me that leaving isn’t always brave. Sometimes it’s just running. Sometimes it’s stealing. Sometimes it’s calling it “starting over” when what you really did was take from the people who loved you and leave them to clean up the damage.
My mother carried that damage. I watched it. I grew up in it. She was the one who stayed. She was the one who worked. She was the one who packed us up and moved us to Concord, then Walnut Creek, because she refused to let his choices be our ending.
So I forgive, but I don’t forget. I forgive my mother for the times she couldn’t be soft because she was too busy being strong. I forgive myself for the years I hated him out loud, and the years I hated him quiet. And yes — I forgive. Because I can’t carry him anymore.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean what he did was right. It means I’m not letting it be the last word in my story.
He came from Philadelphia to Oregon to escape the projects. I went from Pittsburg to Concord to Walnut Creek to Salem to escape him.
He wanted to say he made it out.
I actually did.
