My father
Coming to Oregon When It Was Time
_An Article by Cathryn M. Murray Harris_
I came to Oregon when it was time.
I needed closure with my father. In those last years of his life, I grew to forgive him. But I did not forgive him for abandoning his responsibilities in his first marriage.
My father had a way of taking on the responsibility of raising other people’s children while not taking care of his own. That truth shaped my childhood. My father left when I was two. I grew up in a single parent home. It was my mother who stayed. It was my mother who sheltered me, comforted me, and gave me the wisdom I needed for life.
For years, I hated my father. I said my father was dead to me before he passed away. The anger felt safer than the grief. It was easier to carry hate than to admit I wanted a dad who showed up.
In Oregon, I sat with him. He talked about regrets. He said certain things should not have happened. I listened, but I do not think I loved him. Love was not the word for what was left between us.
What grew in Oregon was forgiveness. Not forgiveness that erases what he did. Not forgiveness that pretends the abandonment did not hurt. Forgiveness that said, “I will not carry this poison anymore.”
I am thankful that he is no longer alive. Not out of cruelty, but out of closure. His death closed the chapter of his divorce. It closed the chapter of the people he raised who were not my blood. I have no connection with his family because I owe everything to my mother.
My mother taught me that we are more similar than different. She taught me to stand alone and become strong. She taught me that hard work is the right way, not the easy way. She gave me Global Teen Club International. She gave me faith. She gave me a foundation.
My father gave me absence. And in the end, he gave me a choice: stay bitter or get free.
I chose free.
Forgiveness did not bring back my childhood. It did not make me love him. It gave me peace. It gave me permission to stop waiting for an apology that would fix it all. It gave me space to grieve my mother fully when her time came, without my father’s ghost in the room.
My body is on loan and my soul belongs to God. God used Oregon to teach me that closure is holy. That you can honor the truth of your pain and still release the person who caused it.
At 51, I am starting my PhD in Philosophy of Education on June 1st. I work in mental health. I write. I speak. I build. I do it because my mother showed me how to rise.
I came to Oregon when it was time. I left with forgiveness.
And I owe that to the woman who never left me.
Cathryn M. Murray Harris is a Ph.D. Candidate, mental health worker, and was founder of Global Teen Club International. She lives in Salem, Oregon. www.cathrynmharris.com
#Forgiveness #Closure #SingleParentHome #MothersWisdom #Healing #OnLoanToGod #PhDAt51 #TraumaRecovery
