2023 Broke Me Open, 2026 Built Me Back

2023 Broke Me Open, 2026 Built Me Back‍ ‍

2023 was the year that tried to take me out. It is 2026 now, and I am recovering from that year and rebuilding my life.

In 2023, things happened with my mental health. I went to the hospital. Not because I was weak, but because I love taking my meds and being stable. I love stabilization. I love life. I love working and becoming stronger. The hospital was not the end. It was the line in the sand. It was me saying I choose to be well.

That same year I was learning to drive a car in Oregon. I was not familiar with driving in Oregon. The roads felt wide and foreign. The rain hit different. I had to learn the rules of a state while I was learning the rules of my own nervous system. But I did it. Every mile was proof: I can navigate something new. I can get myself where I need to go.

I was also learning to appreciate my real hair. No wigs. No hiding. Just me. The same head that had been in a hospital bed, in a courtroom, on a pillow in my car. My real hair, my real face, my real life. I stopped apologizing for the way I was made.

2023 was the year I realized I no longer needed my father. The thread that tied me to his approval, his absence, his choices, snapped. When he died, I did not fall apart. I got free. I had spent so long thinking I needed him to be whole. I did not. I was whole without him.

Yes, I have a past. I went through the criminal situation. Charges that got dismissed but still cost me. I went through homelessness. I lived in my car and people assumed I was out of my mind. I was not. I was in my right mind, handling my affairs, keeping it together with prayer and grit. I did not completely break down. I bent. And I came back.

Now it is 2026. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am back in school. I start my PhD in Philosophy of Education on June 1st. I am working in mental health because I know both sides of the clipboard.

I love stabilization. I love routine. I love meds that work and a bed that is mine. I love waking up and knowing where I am going. I love that 2023 did not kill me. It stripped me, then it strengthened me.

I have a past. I have overcome that. I am not ashamed of the ashes. They are the reason I know how to rise.

_Cathryn M. Murray Harris